Firefighting

Victor was always interested in fire trucks. He has one or two in his toy cars collection. Recently he picked up books about firefighter and firefighting vehicles every time we visited library. Last week I read him fire fighting related books for several nights in a row. He was fascinated by all these fire fighting cars, plans and boats. We learned many facts about firefighting together. For example, we learned different methods of fighting house fires, farm house fires, forest fires, boat fires and airport fires. Victor was especially impressed by the fire boats and their awesome water guns.We watched the movie Brotherhood together last night. It was a documentary about a few New York city firefighters. This was not a kids movie, but Victor watched with intense interest. For a four year old, these are one of the coolest thing on earth.

How a 4-year-old practices non-violence

A pacifist gets feisty when someone hits her child.

Victor is an introvert, like me, low-key and easygoing. He loves the preschool and calls his classmates girlfriends and boyfriends, except for a few children who hits and curses. One child, N, hits/pushes Victor every day. Victor is not singled out, because N hits others as well. But he likes to approach Victor, and sometimes they form a bond. Victor plays with N and gets hit. To get back at the aggressor, he calls N "Crybaby" to make him mad. Then the conflict escalates.

One day N did some stunt. A teacher couldn't catch him. N threw a rock and hit Victor's head. N was then taken to the director. Hearing the news, I felt as if someone bashed me on the head. I complained to the teacher and director. N was put on a "program" to learn proper behaviors. I heard that he has tuned down, but Victor still gets hit/pushed every day. Since he is not hurt, I ignored his complaints, such as, N called "Victor" during the naptime, N bared his belly, N took off his pants and showed his booty (not in the bathroom). N slapped a teacher on the hand and spat on her.

Yesterday Victor said he was pushed down three times and cried three times. His teacher saw one incident at least, but didn't see Victor cry. I talked to the director again. Evidently she has heard such complaints.

Director: Don't listen to other parents' stories. You should come to the classroom and observe the children. There's more to it than you thought.

Yang: I heard the complaints from Victor, not from other parents. [I haven't spent a lot of time in the classroom but I had some observations. Once I saw N slap a teacher. Another time N chased after boy J, who didn't want to play with him. Being the selfish mother that I am, I told Victor to imitate J. But Victor couldn't behave like J to save his own skin.]

D: The teachers should intervene.

Y: A teacher cannot predict when a child is going to hit. After N hits someone, she can only sit him down and tell him not to hit, which is not effective because he doesn’t listen.

D: N’s parents came to observe him. They said he doesn’t behave like this at home. They are doing what we tell them to do. I cannot remove N from the classroom. If you want, I can put Victor in another class.

Y: But Victor was here first. [Victor has been in the class for a year and half, and N came two months ago.]

D: Technically, N came first. He has been with the Center since he was six months old. [Now he’s three.]

Y: Really? I am very surprised. Then there’s little chance that he’ll change.

D: I won’t say that. I won’t give up on any child, until we go through the program, which takes some time to complete, we cannot make him drop out. N is not a bad child. He is a spirited child.

Y: [I didn’t care to label N as any kind of child. I didn’t want Victor to be his punching bag. It's not fair or acceptable to me.] N needs to respect other people’s boundaries. Otherwise, it’s not safe for Victor to be in the same classroom with him. [N also hits other children every day.]

D: Other children also do things to N.

Y: I know Victor calls him “Crybaby” a few times to make him mad.

D: You see, you need to teach Victor to stop doing that.

Y: Comparing to hitting someone, this is less offensive; besides, it’s the only thing Victor can do. He cannot hit N back, so he calls him “Crybaby” to get back at him. It’s the only power Victor has over N. If you take that away, N still hits, but Victor can do nothing to express his anger. He is victimized and powerless. This is a vicious cycle.

D: What do you want me to do?

Y: I came to you and hope you might have a solution.

D: I offer that you come to observe, or you move Victor to another class.

Y: Victor loves his teachers. [Victor told me he needed to pee, he was probably bored. I asked him to wait a second. He climbed into my chair so I had to stand up.]

D: Why don’t you control your child? Sit down. [It was getting personal. Victor and I spoke in Mandarin.]

Y: Maybe you can understand: as a parent, I’m worried about his safety at school. In the other class, there is also an aggressive child. He’s very tall and his name starts with N. He hit Victor but not on a daily basis.

D: I’m not removing N from the class. His mother is a nursing student here.

Y: [I didn’t think this was relevant. I realized I was in the wrong political camp: the wrong race and social/economic class. I didn’t have a chance.] Will N be in the summer program?

D: Why? If he’s here, Victor won’t come?

Y: I want to know my options.

D: I don’t know at this time.

Y: I want to avoid conflict as best as I can. So it’ll be helpful if I know whether N will be in the class.

D: I don’t know.

Y: Thank you for your time.

D: You’re welcome. I’ll be here until eight o’clock.

[We both smiled.]

I came outside and asked Victor, “How about I switch you to the other class?”

He burst into tears. “No, I love Ms. S!”

“But N hits you every day.”

“Let him hit me. I want to be in Ms. S’s class.”

“But I don’t want him to hit you.”

“It’s okay. N is funny sometimes.”

“How?”

He couldn’t tell me. “I want to be in Ms. S’s class.”

There was not much I could say to that.

On our way home, we listened to a Chinese song, Sailor. He hums the lyrics:

在受人欺负的时候总是听见水手说/他说风雨中这点痛算什么/
Whenever I’m bullied I remember what the sailor said/In the storm my pain is nothing
擦干泪不要怕/至少我们还有梦
Dry my tears, don’t be afraid/At least we still have dreams
他说风雨中这点痛算什么/擦干泪不要问为什么　
In the storm my pain is nothing /Dry my tears and don’t ask why

I had low expectations for the preschool. I wanted Victor to learn English, make friends and have fun. He has done that and more, he is learning to practice non-violence. It’s easy to punch a smaller child, but it takes courage, wisdom and self-reliance to practice non-violence. Victor has taken on the task voluntarily because he won’t succumb to a bully either by withdrawing or imitating the aggressor.

Toy Cars

Victor's Toy Cars

A tow truck that can tow two cars at a time. Taken on Friday night in Little Hong Kong.

Victor’s School Choice

We live in a newly developed neighborhood. The assigned school O doesn't have a high ranking. When we moved here four years ago, it was too early to worry about Victor's school choice. That was then, now the school problem is right in front of us. Yang and I talked about school often.

We need to get Victor to a decent school.

There are not many options for us. We can wait and hope his assigned school gets better, which is not likely. Or we can move to a different location with better schools. The last resort is to send Victor to a private school. Our friends and acquaintances deal with it differently. L brought an apartment in a good school district twenty minutes from her house, just so that her kids can go to school there. This is too costly. Yang and I considered this option, went house hunting once, and decided against it. I know somebody who sent their kids to private schools in San Francisco. His kids even got a scholarship to pay some bills. This option is also expensive and we cannot take in our current financial situation.

Fortunately there seems to be a loophole in the school assignment rules. We can transfer Victor to a different school within the same school district. Almost all other schools have better ranking than O. H is a school in the same city but with a higher score; O2 is even better; K, in an area full of million-dollar houses, is the best. Yang did extensive research and applied to all three of them. This week we learned that Victor was accepted as a transfer student at H. He will be set for seven years. Oliver will follow him to the same school in a couple of years.

Some interesting school district politics: O2 is a very good school, but they need more students to fill their classrooms and get some funding. They practically beg for extra students from other cities. A week ago they held an open house with cookies and drinks. I took Victor there. A teacher spent thirty minutes explaining to me and Yang (over the phone) how to transfer Victor to her school. Yang sent in the transfer form. Victor may get in there too.

Do you, too, have a school problem?

Victor’s First Hike

For about three years, Yang and I used to hike every weekend. We hiked all the major trails in the Bay Area. We used a community web site http://www.bahiker.com/ to find good trails and plan the hikes. Hiking was our favorite activity until we had Victor and Oliver. Since Victor was born, we have been to the hills only a few times and haven't had a real hike.

We cannot wait to get back there. This morning Victor and I decided to give it try. I found an easy hiking trail not very far away from us http://www.bahiker.com/eastbayhikes/carquinez.html. I jotted down some simple directions and packed water and food and drove away. Yang stayed home to continue her work on Chapter 12.

Twenty minutes later I had to call Yang. Although I wrote down the directions, I missed an important detail. There were two Rankin Park Trails, and I didn't know which one to take. After a phone call and some technical assistance, Victor and I took the left one. Now we were all set as I wrote down all the other details.

The climb was steep, and Victor struggled. I stayed right behind him. He was in high spirit but became tired immediately. I took a few pictures.

Ten minutes later we had to take a break. We actually had a bay view. I encouraged Victor to continue. It became hot for both of us.

Another ten minutes and another climb later, we were at a relatively flat area, there was a bench to sit and enjoy the bay view.

Victor and I decided to head back because he was really tired. On the way back, he picked some yellow flowers for Mom. I led the way and Victor followed me this time, the steep decent was a bit dangerous for Victor. We moved slowly and went down safely.

We hiked about 1.2 miles, a third of the recommended route. Victor agreed to do it again and hike the whole route next time.

Aquarium of the Bay

We've been to the Oakland Zoo many time, but never been to an aquarium together. This morning Victor told me he wanted to go the aquarium in San Francisco. So after breakfast and some playing time in our garden, Victor and I headed for San Francisco.

It was a beautiful day in the Bay Area. There was a traffic jam in the city and many people are out. There are a large crowd near the ferry building. We drove to Pier 39 and parked our car on the top level of the public garage. Pier 39 was very crowded. There were many tourists.

We bought a family pass to the aquarium for $72. It was a good deal if all four of us went there twice in a year. The Aquarium is small, with the usual creatures. We saw some ugly fish and some pretty ones.

And some starfish.

We saw a big school of fish.

We saw sharks, not the scary big one but small pretty sharks.

Rays were flying on top of us, with funny faces.

There was even a small petting place. I petted a ray and shark. The water was cold. Victor didn't want to touch any fish; I wondered why.

Victor was mesmerized.

We had fun and will come back again with Yang and Oliver.

Childcare On-Demand

We subscribed to HBO, with that the cable company gave us a digital cable box that allowed us to watch shows on-demand. This turns out to be a good baby-sitting tool. Victor loves to watch all the PBS kids show. For a while his favorite show was Thomas & Friends. Nowadays he watches Bob the Builder, Curious George, Caillou, Jay Jay the Jet Plane, Sagwa the Chinese Cat, Dora and Diego, Fireman Sam, and Winnie the Pooh. He doesn't watch Teletubbies anymore; it's for younger children. We don't watch much TV at all. Victor and Oliver hog the TV for the on-demand shows. Victor never sits properly when watching. He is either standing, lying on the carpet, climbing up to the back of the sofa, or busy with his many chores (like "cooking" his Easter Eggs and candies in pans and pots). They can entertain themselves while we do some housework. We love the on-demand TV.

How Many Toy Cars Victor Must Have?

As many as he is allowed to buy. Victor loves toy cars, trucks and trains. He plays with them, takes them to places, puts them under his pillow and sleeps with them. Sometimes he gets into trouble, playing with the toys during supper, and almost knocks over the dishes. He cries when we take his toys away, but he'll be fine when Yang gives him a big hug.

We often go to the One Dollar Store to buy the toy cars. They cost a dollar; some come with a package of three. Once we got him a fire truck, tow truck and a police car, all for one dollar. Once a while we go to a drug store and buy him five dollar cars; they are slightly bigger.

He has race cars, small trucks, passage cars, vans, garbage trucks and others. He has cars in red, yellow, green, purple, and many other colors. He has tiny cars, small cars, and larger size cars. We have his cars everywhere.

Victor is learning to share his toys with Oliver. He chooses a few for Oliver to play when Oliver comes to the house. Still, he carefully guards his toy cars, causing some conflicts when they both want to play with the same cars.

Tense Negotiation

Yang and I had a tense negotiation last night. We were frustrated that her current project 'Oasis' (http://www.yanghuang.com/books/main.asp) is not making good progress. For about a month, she has been stuck at Chapter 11.

We started negotiating ways I can help. These days I come back from work after 8 PM. Yang does all the cooking. She suggested that I prepare Victor for bed after dinner: brushing teeth, washing, and storytelling. Then she won't be too tired, and can find some time to work on her book for one or two hours. The only issue is that I occasionally have conference calls with my India colleagues at around 10 PM. This seems to be impractical at first. So we continued our negotiation.

Eventually, we decided that I will prepare Victor for bed on four nights a week: Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I can have my conference calls on Tuesday and Thursday. This arrangement works for both of us. Yang will actually get to spend time on her project. Hopefully she will complete a draft before Living Treasures gets published and requires some promotion time.

The truth is that I really enjoying the assignment. Some of the most pleasurable activities for me are taking a walk, playing with Victor, or bathe him. So the negotiation yielded good outcomes for all three of us.

Growing up with Cappuccino

We brought a cheap espresso machine a few months ago. It's not really a machine, the kind that you have to put on the stove to make espresso. Victor and Oliver love it. It's becoming a family ritual now that we have cappuccino every morning during the weekend. We grid fresh coffee beans before making a pot. I also use a manual milk frother to make creamy milk. Victor and Oliver may grow up to be addictｅｄ to coffee. This may be the least of our worries.

Kite Flying Next to the Bay

We brought a huge kite from Costco several weeks ago. It’s a space shuttle. We spent $10 only. It was very easy to assemble. Victor was so happy the day we got it. It was raining very hard that day. So we have to stay at home.

The next day, the sky cleared a bit. There were occasional showers, sometimes heavy. But we could not be stopped. The three of us went to the parking lot next to the Bay. It was so windy that we sometimes had trouble holding on to the kite. Kite flying is not easy. We ran it to the ground many times. It almost hit our car a few times. We did get better. The space shuttle was as high as several stories.

We spent about half an hour flying kite. Then it started to rain, heavily. We had to get back.
Oliver came the following week. Four of us went out and flied the kite for a few minutes. But they had their mind on something else and we had to leave.

First Kiss

Victor told Mom that he kissed A on the lip and on the cheek. He almost five years old now. Is this his first kiss? Will he remember A? Mom told me that S is the prettiest girl in his class. S and her Mom like Victor too. Yang and I were saddened yesterday when we talked about how quickly Victor grows up. Soon he will be attending school, and the most worry free part of the childhood will be over. Who knows if he will see A and S again… Then, again we may stay in touch with their family, and Victor and his playmates may grow up together, for a little longer.

Oakland Zoo, Again

Oakland Zoo must be the number one place Victor and I hang out during weekends. We were there so many times. The amazing thing about zoo is that we never grow tired of. Animals move, run, jump, and play, the season changes, and the zoo is always different. Sometimes animals went hiding and it’s still fun to try to find where they went.

Yang, Victor, Oliver and I went to the Oakland Zoo on Saturday morning, for a second week in a roll. It was a sunny day and the parking lot was nearly full. This time we went to the left side, where the Children’s Zoo is. Oliver and Victor immediately ran wild into the grass. We saw some monkeys, chimpanzees, and two huge turtles. We didn’t stay long, as the kids wanted to take rides. Victor went for his favorite airplane ride, as always, he flew the airplane really high. Oliver, a couple of months short of three years, took the fire truck ride. It was the first time Oliver took a ride. He really enjoyed and smiled broadly.

After the zoo, four of us went to Oakland China Town. We had a big lunch with Dim Sum and two seafood dishes. We even brought something home.